Linda and Tom met in the Lido Room at a local hotel while attending a $400.00 seminar extolling the virtues and antioxidantal wonders of Açaí Berry Juice. Both Linda and Tom had been divorced for about three years and both were a year or two north of fifty. They were at that age when you weren’t old, but neither were you hip. They were on Facebook and used The Google occasionally, but just didn’t understand the whole texting thing. Both ached in places they couldn’t properly name and ate dinner earlier than they ever did before, but were too young to get a senior discount.
Linda worked as a dispatcher for a regional trucking carrier. She was good at her job and justly proud of her ability to ‘multi-task.’ She got along well with her co-workers, had what she considered was a good sense of humor, and thought chocolate donut holes were especially good.
Linda was fond of using the phrase, “That’s a mute point.” Her daughter, Emily, corrected her mother one day and told her the proper word was moot, to which Linda said, “No it’s not, its mute, it’s like there’s nothing left to say.” Emily rolled her eyes, but thought that her mother’s explanation made some sense.
Gravity and adipose tissue had rounded out the edges of her beauty. She tried her best to ignore her spider veins and the hot dog buns that had formed below her bra strap on her back. Linda thought she was still someone who knew how to have fun, even though she vomited at a Jimmy Buffett concert two years ago at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.
Tom barely finished high school and didn’t care much for book learning, but he was quite mechanical and had managed to keep a steady job installing and maintaining elevators. He didn’t like being told how to do anything and used the phrases, “Have a good one,” and “That’s Bullshit,” with great frequency. The ball cap that he wore everyday had the number 3 on it.
Tom had a beer belly, wore his hair in a crew cut, sported a porn mustache, and had chronically dirty fingernails. He loved sports and had opinions on nearly every subject and referred to all Asian cuisine as Chinese food. Tom didn’t know who the Dayak were, never heard of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, nor would he ever know that Sisyphus would know frustration forever. He didn’t give shit about that stuff, but he did know a thing or two about hydraulics and counterweights.
Despite his rough exterior, even Tom had to admit he missed the company of a woman. Sex, to Tom, was a physical and mechanical thing. The sexual haiku of a female body was not something he thoughtfully considered.
After the seminar, Tom asked Linda out on a date and was pleased when she said yes without much hesitation. He took her to Chili’s, which she found somewhat disappointing. She tried not to be too critical of him, but was frankly grossed-out by his description of a co-worker who had contracted “Asian Clap”. According to Tom, the disease had, “Kicked the ass of every antibiotic known to man.” Tom followed-up this nugget with, “Did you know that all dolphins have syphilis?” Linda was starting to wonder if this relationship was going anywhere, but she was lonesome.
The next three dates went pretty well and their fifth date found them in the jacuzzi at Tom’s apartment getting somewhat drunk on White Merlot. They ended up having sex on Tom’s futon. As lovemaking went, their union was ungraceful and awkward, but it was something. After several years of sexual drought, she had finally ‘been with a man’ and Tom had finally ‘got laid.’
Both knew this wasn’t a perfect relationship, but fuck it, they had tickets to see REO Speedwagon at a Reno casino in three weeks.
“Gravity and adipose tissues had rounded out the edges of her beauty” and “hot dog buns that had formed below her bra strap on her back” …..dude where do you get these great descriptive lines…I frigin hate you..HeHe!
Naw not really …I was actually finding myself identifying with the rounded edge thing!
By the way the Acai Berry drink has 19 different fruits in each bottle. Just thought you might want to know!
I knew you’d get it. Se you soon, right? Thanks V.
Cool story. I found myself pretty much interested all the way to the end.
Thanks G.
FJ, you should write more and more often! Perhaps you do, but I don’t get to see it so much here? I enjoyed reading this so much! Every bit of it.
Oh, but I have a confession to make..I have no idea about these people, just like Tom. Lol.
“Tom didn’t know who the Dayak were, never heard of Juilus and Ethel Rosenberg, nor would he ever know that Sisyphus would know frustration forever”.
But unlike him, I do give a shit…heh…will you help me with some background?
Thankoo for the lovely Monday morning read!
Glad you liked it Shipra, and I know you give a shit. I should write more, but I get lazy about it. Thanks so much!!
“Tom didn’t know who the Dayak were, never heard of Juilus and Ethel Rosenberg, nor would he ever know that Sisyphus would know frustration forever.”
WTF!! And pleeeeeeeeeease, don’t group me in with Tom, now!
Oh, right, right, right….I know those Rosenbergs. You had me stumped with
“Juilus”.
Good catch YnB, I fixed it. Thanks!
I too love the hot dog buns reference. I never knew what to call it other than back fat. Now this is a descriptor I can use.
Glad to be of assistance Bear.
I love your writing style FJ. You had everything I could ask for in creative writing; acai berry, elevators, natives, communists, mythology, a brand new term for the fat on a woman’s back, and creativity. You make me feel like I know Tom and Linda and share in their subconscious quiet desperation. I feel their hope that maybe this time, this one time they’ll find shelter from the hailstones of growing old alone. Even if it means settling. I seriously fucking loved it!
Hey Scott, thanks for the kind words…you’re too kind. BTW, I think your analysis is spot-on.
I’ve been enjoying your photos a great deal, FJ, but it’s nice to see you writing like this again. A great story – thanks for sharing it.
Thanks Don, that means alot.
I don’t even know what to say, FJ.
You are truly a creative Mensa.
I thought Mensa was a noodle dish of some sort, but now I realize that was a cool compliment. Thanks Ms B, you made my day!!
I love the word “hydraulic”. Find it almost unbearably erotic, Well told tale FJ
That’s funny NM, thanks.
I like the word “pneumatic” as used in Brave New World. But I don’t think either of these people would be described that way.
This was perfectly illustrated with words, and unbearably depressing, except for the fact that I assume these people are probably beyond procreation abilities. There’s some joy in that.
Thanks BK for stopping by and taking the time.
Loved it! Your descriptions are perfect and very visual. I can relate to too much of this! As you know, I love that Tom has a cap with the number 3 on it. I may have one of those caps paying tribute to “The Intimidator” but please don’t judge me by my head gear. I am also “a year north of fifty”, crap! Thanks for sharing your genius! T
Thanks Timm, really.
Welcome back to the writer’s block, FJ. Truly some evocative stuff. Full of existential dread, doughy people in hot tubs and casual sex. Just like nearly every family reunion up to 1988, when it was agreed our clan should disband and reorganize under assumed names.
Hilarious CLT, always great to hear from you. And isn’t existential dread a barrel of laughs??
Tom is not kidding…that Asian Clap is the real deal. When I have had normal clap, it’s kind of like pissing razor blades. The Asian stuff is more like spinning Ginsu knives welded to a jackhammer dipped in battery acid.
I think I got it from this chick I did in the Bob Evan’s on Highway 47. If you are ever there, steer clear of a moderately overweight woman named Lois.
Hahaha. Thanks for the heads-up TL.
again again! i know you have more. please do not hide them because i know where to find them…muhahahaha!
Really? You think you can find them? My computer password is 94 characters long.
Hey! I remember when your blog was more like this with less pictures and then your pictures are always so fabulous that you just did pictures for awhile. I must say though that I do love your narratives that go with the pictures as well. I’m beginning to think your entire family is overly talented!
Thanks Claire!!!!
That was a very nice read. I enjoyed the story very much. It was well written.
Thanks for the kind words RR!