I am going to bogart the front end of this post to tell you that I have been out for three days doing field surveys, so I missed out on all the fun in the last post showing BKT‘s work space. The comment thread was pretty entertaining. Thanks for being a good sport BKT!!
Now for the next work space photo, I have decided to keep the same vibe and that means going with a top shelf humor blog. So, for your commenting pleasure here is the work space of the comic genius behind Sick Days. If you are not reading the everyman saga of Alan Truitt, then shame on you, it’s totally funny and oddly cathartic—which actually means to purge the bowels…Yea, sure, I think that still works, in a good way. A shout out to Mike for manning-up and sending me his pixel dust.
Alan’s “Cube” Image credit: Sick Days
So is the headset on the corner of your desk the kind you can use to walk around and talk into…like a blogging Tony Robbins.
Ok, off the top of my head – what is that thing on the shelf that looks like it’s still in its package? Is it a toy? I love toys! Do tell.
It’s a Curious George flashlight. He’s so curious! Or, he was…
To learn what happened to George…
http://www.averyant.com/video_curious.html
First off… Where’s my groin maul?
“Purge the bowels” was, funnily enough, the blog’s manifesto (note to self, write blog manifesto), in fact, I couldn’t have summed it up better myself… Oh wait, I did – in the manifesto.
Thanks for the kind words, FJ, I was happy to send it in.
My feeling was that since you had already immortalized me with that lovely picture http://fundamentaljelly.com/2009/04/10/top-secret-photos/ a photo of my office couldn’t be any worse…
Boy, was I wrong.
What a crap hole!
As for the Tony Robbins thing, well, he and I have a lot in common.
Tony is an American self-help writer and professional speaker and has been for over 30 years.
Alan is a Scottish hack with a nervous stomach and a fondness for drinking bong water.
Tony became well known through his infomercials and bestselling self-help books, Unlimited Power: The New Science Of Personal Achievement and Awaken The Giant Within.
Alan is best remembered for his cameo appearance on the 11 o’clock news in which he was captured, pants half mast, trying to become romantically involved with a duck. The press dubbed him “The Quacked Deviant” his friends just called him “the duck fucker.” His parents are so proud.
Tony writes about subjects such as health and energy, overcoming fears, persuasive communication, and enhancing relationships.
Alan writes limericks about the pope and soap on a rope.
Tony became well known in America and internationally through infomercials promoting personal development audio programs and motivational seminars.
Alan became well known among his neighbours last summer at the block party for his lack of hygiene and fondness for not wearing pants. He is, at the very least, admired for “lowering the bar for everyone.” His parents no longer return his phone calls.
Tony’s audio programs, seminars and self-help products featured Neuro-linguistic programming and Ericksonian hypnosis which he studied at the start of his career.
Alan washed out of Clown College and has been bitter about it all his life. He frequently dresses up as a clown and shows up at children’s parties with offers to work for booze and cake. His clown motto: “I’ll make your kids cry tears of blood” isn’t getting him much in the way of business. His parents have a restraining order against him.
Tony’s seminars also used firewalking as a metaphor for overcoming fears and limiting beliefs.
Alan recently got drunk and accidentally set his house on fire.
Tony combined his skills and techniques with other methods claimed to effect personal change
Alan combined crack cocaine and tequila to make a new drink that you can both smoke and drink. It’s called “crackkeelya” His parents have moved to a different continent.
Okay. Well, I wrote this in 20 minutes. I think it’s safe to say it’s a masterpiece.
Let the mockery begin…
Who could argue with that????
If Alan can go ‘commando’ and drink bong water, then he deserves a masterpiece.
What, no syphilitic dolphins, no wise-cracking dicks, no mafiosi with golf pants? No pitch for Comment Extenz…”not only will your comments get bigger, but you will have more staying power…”
FJ, I think we can both agree that Alan has *more* than enough staying power.
But I am quite jealous of his Curious George flashlight.
I also have a Curious George high wire performer. You set up a length of wire in the top corners of a room and put him on. He goes back and forth on a little uncycle. It’s pretty damn fun.
Hah! I was saving them for Masterpiece II: Alan Gets Dolphin Syphilis
I’d love to mock you, but I spent all my allotted time reading that and now I have to go out drinking beer and listening to an acquaintance spin records at the local pub.
But, for the record, when someone says, “Oh, fuck a duck!” to you, they aren’t being literal.
No, I’m sensing some mockery in there.
Not much. But I can sense you’re just getting warmed up.
A few pints in a pub shoud get you nice and inspired.
Fundamental Jelly – do you know what this means??
We were both typing at the same time!
Oh, wait, no we weren’t. I forgot about the time difference. Oh well!
No, we were…….OMG OMG OMG.
Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Ohmigod! So was I! Aaaah! This is even crazier than the time all three of us phoned each other at the same time!!!!!!!! Ahhh! Do you remember? And I was like “Ohmigod! I was just calling you to tell you I got Dolphin syphilis !” and you were all like “Ohmigod! I was just calling you to tell you I got an STD from a sperm whale!” AND BKT was like, “I was just calling to tell you about this really cute hammer head shark I’m dating!” Ohmigod that was SO funny!
I thought FJ got herpes from a horse. Maybe that was somebody else.
And also, OMFG I jst cant bliev we r soooo much alike we just totally did that! We r like all on here RIGHT FREAKING NOW! Isn’t teh internetz totally amazng! Were all spiritually connected right now across time and space and shit! I think this totally means something!
See, this is why I get up in the morning, that, and sometimes I have to pee real bad. RIOT
The horse and I are just good friends.
So, that means you date other people… and horses?
Its like soooooo amazing! like the technology is cooll. and look ! our grammar and spelling is like starting to turn to shit, like how wierd is that? it totallly means sumethng spiritual fur sure. ahhh!
OMG my friends are like totally waiting for me at the pub. I’m so outta here. Just one more comment. No rlly I pinkie swear!
‘Cause I would not want you gentlemen to think you are more entertaining that an hour at the pub drinking a finely crafted draught and laughing with flesh and blood friends. Even though you totally ARE!!
I think I just received total consciousness…OMG
From bong water?
That’s how I get my total consciousness.
xoxo to ya both,
Barely Knit, Consciousness bringer
Can you knit me total consciousness out of handmaiden silk?
That would be so AWESOME!!!!
What a tease this Alantru is! Blurring all the books like that so we won’t know they’re all graphic novels or romance novels.
You need some serious funk schway help up in your space, sweetie. Wish I knew someone who could lend you a (lego) hand.
My camera sucks and I have a shaky hand. And for the record: “Whispers and Lust” is an epic tale of lust and whispering.
But I won’t lie to you, bottom drawer to the right includes … Asterix, The Beano, Iznogood The Infamous, The Dandy, Dennis The Menace (the English one, he’s a thug and a terror) Minnie the Minx, Viz, and other Brit and Euro comic books.
Oh, and “Where The Wild Things Are” (Pure genius, I say!)
I’ll tell all.
And you know, it used to be when people had conversations like this they were all sitting around with fine stouts in front of each of them and there would be some good Irish music in the background.
Okay, I’m not really sure about the Irish music, but nothing else really felt right. Do you play Irish music in that office, Alantru? I’m channeling something here, I think…
Absolutely. No lie, I was blasting The Chieftains yesterday.
OMG NO WAY!! Okay, I’m audi. For realz, yo. Later, ma peeps. (like, half an hour because yes, I’m that lame)
Text us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
… I miss her already.
FJ, you have started something here. You rock! Did you handle any snakes (no wiener jokes) while out in the field? What were you counting this time, sand fleas? T
If you are referring to my huge genitals, I won’t make any jokes, promise.
That’s a shame. I was hoping for at least five trouser snake jokes.
But I’ll accept three.
Come onnnnnnnnnn!
That’s my office picture up. I actually think you’re obligated to do this for me.
I’ll get you started. “The ladies call it King Anaconda!”
So that leaves two.
P.S. Sorry to steal the anaconda gag.
“Well, I am a herpetologist, and yes, its true what they say about herpetologists.”
I also wear clown shoes.
Are those trouser snakes in your banner, or are you just happy to see me?
Irony is, is, OMG OMG, I can’t believe I put that up there.
You just completely cracked me up, FJ. Thanks!
And I’m back now. I didn’t text you but I tweeted. If you look on my home page you’ll see what I tweeted on the top right.
Standing right beside you…
Now drop and give me a letter!
Yay!!!!! Hah! Like a spoiled fat baby on the sidelines clapping his hands, I want more! And if I don’t get my way then I’ll wail “Waaahhhh! My home office picture!”
But I suspect that would lose its charm real fast. Like already.
So instead I shall make a request. If you tire of this, fair enough. I can always hope BKT comes back from the pub and is ready to rock. All I ask is this… (All I ask!)
I’d like to do an alphabet story. It doesn’t have to make sense but each one line sentence has to start with the following letter. A — Z we’re done in 26 lines.
Give me this (my picture!). After we’re done, I promise I might stop.
I’ll go first. Which, as I recall from kindergarten is the letter “A”
Alan Truitt knew he was pushing his luck, but he didn’t give a damn. He was a devil may care type of guy and lover of ducks…
But the ducks didn’t seem to care for him or whether he was pushing his luck.
Certainly theirs was an oddly unique relationship, he was a man, and they were ducks, reaching into his pocket for breadcrumbs, he thought to himself…
(P. S. thanks!)
,,,Damn dirty ducks!!
Echoed his words throughout the park. The breadcrumbs fell from his hand to the ground. Scattered on his shoes like so many soupçons of floury meal, they remind him of the many ducks he used to…
Fly with.
“Gosh, it was great when I could fly,” he mused, while flapping his arms, unaware of the gaping stares he was getting from the frightened children.
“Holy shit,” a young mother said while grabbing her kids and making a dash for their car, “Hurry children, before he get’s airborne.”
“I can’t fly!” he screamed flapping his arms, “I used to be able to but…”
Jelly shot me down.
Kicking and screaming and flapping, he then, miraculously, started to fly…
Like a fucking duck.
“Man, this is great!” he roared, feeling like a flying God. Or at the very least a flying nun… “I should make like a pigeon and crap on people. Hahahaha!”
“Mercy me!” He exclaimed, with wings all akimbo. From a distance he looked less and less like a duck and more and more like a…
Ninja!
(you can delete my M if you want to, since I’m the interloper)
Nerking madman! He swooped down onto the crowd, laughing maniacally…
OMG
“Oh my God!” he roared. “What will happen next?”
“Please,” he cried, “help me — I already said that. Only with more letters!”
Perhaps I’ve confused things by appearing here, in the sky, in the comment thread, like a duck.
Quick before someone else posts!!!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Quit then!!
Right! Then I will.
Shit, I am not fast enough.
“Right!” he laughed, not sure where it was all going and descending on the crowd! “Look at me!” he screamed, “I can fly! I can fly!”
Tough shit on me! Alan screamed while descending on the crowd! “Look at me!” he screamed, “I can fly! I can fly!”
Until then there was silence…
Uh, who’s turn is it?
Uh…guys? Do you need me to sing the alphabet song while I descend on the crowd?
Very much silence..
“Verily” he yelped as he descended into the crowd, “it is mine. Look, for the third time. I’m fucking flying!”
WTF??
Apples
I totally know you are both busy looking up X words so you can impress each other and maybe me too.
I had planned Xerxes months ago…
I read Edward Gorey.
Top of my bookshelf… to the left.
Ever compared them with oranges? Fascinating stuff.
I’m going to totally break character here.
Brilliant, LMAO.
Xerxes, his cousin, exclaimed!
Xanadu
You both have too much time on your hands.
I got heat stoke this morning and I am not feeling myself, oh and I was also shot in head, again.
I get stoked by the heat too.
But I’ve only been shot once.
I’m sorry to hear you got shot in the head (again??), but I must say I’m relieved that you’re not feeling yourself.
I got shot too.
Sigh. Right beside you… Right beside you.
I’m so sorry I neglected you. And I didn’t mean to shoot you that time, really. I thought you’d forgiven me. It was a crazy time, Alan. I was a bad kid with a bad life.
I’m different now, I swear it.
Zulu leader, over.
Yikes, it’ all over but the big final crash, and with that he….
Zoomed headfirst into the ground!
And died.
But then…
CAN’T. GO. ON. MUCH. LONGER. NEED. FOOD.
Come on already!
Don’t make him do it
Alan Truitt
He’s your friend!
You should pretend
You have something to do
On this fun Friday night.
(told you I hate rhyming)
Even though you hate to rhyme
You did very fine.
I would even say
on this one day
Dr. Seuss
is barelyknit and loose
Did I figure out what “is” is – is it “loose”? I was just re-reading this and thought that might be it. At least…I hope I’m not loose.
What have you heard??
That Seuss rhymes with loose.
You silly goose!
Oh, I also heard that you were going to tear bearman a new one. Any truth to that rumor?
I might, tonight!
If the timing seems right.
He needs a new one
Since his current is no fun.
For me that’s the case.
Since he makes fun of my space
I’m guessing he’s perfect,
Or just likes to piss people off.
(Bearman, I hope you know I’m kidding. Mostly.)
I’m sure he knows you’re mostly teasing
And like us all, finds you delightfully pleasing
But at the same point he should know that it’s true
It wouldn’t be wise to fuck with you
I’ve heard that it’s said
A knitting needle in the head
Induces more pain
Than the average migraine
(Haiku)
Alan Truitt is
Fundamental Jelly is
Barely Knit is not
(what is it?)
Pregnant!
(And a Haiku to you too!)
Hamish Industries
A Wildlife biologist
Fantastic poet
*blushing*
Thank you, from the bottom of my non-rhyming and scheming heart.
Um…I’m afraid to answer that question, though it does seem obvious.
It’s pregnant, right?
In that case, I’m so FUCKING glad I’m NOT. Are you sensing my horror here? Because you should be.
I think I’m sensing it…
So, what is the answer?
Obvious things allude me…
I have no idea, but I think FJ went to eat and I’m going to bed. Hate to leave you like this, but I’m so sleepy.
See you around these parts tomorrow.
And also, I’m pretty sure that obvious things do NOT allude you. In fact, I’m sure they don’t even elude you.
I think you always know *exactly* what’s going on.
Those allusive things are forever eluding me. But the fact is, I still don’t know.
Wow. Im speechless and jealous I missed the whole party! Alan, your desk is too clean.
It starts off that way. But when I get working!
…It stays that way.
Call me Anal.
Oh wait.
You all ready do.
Tadah! Longest thread in the history of Fundamental Jelly! Good job!
timm,
The credit goes to FJ.
He can’t be here right now, so accepting the credit for him, is me, Alan.
Thank you, timm. Thank you. I’d like to also thank my personal manager, my agent, my own personal Jesus, my own Private Idaho, my Best Friends Wedding, My Chemical Romance, My Bloody Valentine and My Little Pony.
I can’t believe no one has mentioned what a lovely comment this is. Delicious 80′s/90′s film, band, song, toy stream of consciousness.
*sigh*
I’m standing right beside you.
Right beside you…
Oh, wait!
Hah!
Hey, thanks!
I kinda have three desks. The one wherever my laptop usually ends up, the one at home, and the one at the real job. The one at the paying job is ALWAYS clean. It has to be or I become OCD. The one at home is NEVER clean because I can’t get the kids to stay away from it, and the laptop goes wherever I go, so it usually ends up on my lap. Yes, it’s clean!
Ain’t no crumbs on you!
I think we have the makings of a current day Three Stooges. So, who’s who?? This is so much better than Saturday morning cartoons!
I love Saturday morning cartoons. They are a world wide phenomenon that all kids can get behind…
Hmmm… Makes me wonder what the 3 Stooges would be called in Iran…?
Moehammad, Larryhammad and Curlyhammad…
What about Shemp?
Much like the forgotten Marx brother, “Emo the botanist,” no one really ever thinks much about Shemp.
A tragedy, really.
In case no one has asked yet, what’s the small, phallic-looking object in the middle of the bookcase?
It’s a Curious George flashlight. He’s so curious! Or, he was…
Then the big bad folks at the cosmetic company messed with him.
To learn about George’s gruesome fate…
http://www.averyant.com/video_curious.html
I see you have (on the lower shelf) what appears to be an unpublished Clive Cussler manuscript, which leads me to believe you may be part of the “novel-farming” industry utitilized (some say “exploited,” like me, for instance) by Michael Crichton and James Patterson.
Looking forward to seeing your name in really tiny print below Cussler’s when his next “Dirk Seaman” novel hits the airport bookstores.
And by Michael Crichton, I of course meant Tom Clancy. My apologies to Crichton, whose books I haven’t read in years.
You’re really missing out. It’s just great how he can use a computer and type all those words.
Clive Cussler used to be my best friend. USED TO BE. Then he stole my character “Dirk Seaman” and my best girl… I’m sorry, I thought I could talk about this now… But it’s still too painful…
I need a Bollywood musical cartoon intermission to pull my thoughts together…
INTERMISSION (In Spanish, the original language of Bollywood)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CR8znFayBs
Okay, I’m back.
I’m happy for Clive, for Michael, for Tom, for the professor and Mary Anne. The fact that I want to beat them with a slotted spoon is my problem. I’m undergoing therapy for that right now – with the ghost of Freud.
We’re both in transference, so things are a bit odd. I bring a dozen roses to therapy, he tells me I have radiant skin.
I think I may have seen the same therapist. It ended very badly.
He had an office out on Box Hill. I’d freak him out by saying things like, “I think I can see your office from my backyard” (I had binoculars) or, “This isn’t working. I’m taking your notes and the furniture and going to see someone else.”
We worked through these problems. Some of them. He endured my mood swings (happy, distressed) and my inability to make solid plans (talk about the future often turned to reminiscing about the past).
But the last straw came during this past summer, when he acted wholly inappropriately considering our already strained relationship. I brought him chocolates. He said he’d rather have flowers.
Your therapist crossed a moral line.
And what is it with them and flowers? I guess the blooming petals on wet red boughs have some sort of sexual reference. Personally, I don’t see it.
Still, perhaps you could take your therapist out to dinner? I bet that would work. It might look a bit funny with you lying on a row of chairs at your table, but therapy is amusing even at the worst of dinner times.
I try and adopt a non hostile, psychologically opened channel; making sure my superego based, libidinal approach is similar to a therapeutic soul hug. And I try and do it without puking.
Maybe that will work for you too.
Why are the lights on when it’s daylight outside? And there’s a really bright light in that tiny little closet. A little fear of the dark going on in there Alan? The only thing coming out of that closet to get you will be Curious George, and he’s just curious.
I have many phobias, Claire.
A fear of the dark.
A fear of dust mites
A fear of sitting down on the toilet because I’m sure a hand will come up and pull me in
A fear of friendly ghosts
A fear of slotted spoons
A fear of mentioning slotted spoons for fear I will get called out on it
A fear of fear
Fortunately, I am seeing the ghost of Freud. We are currently locked in a soul hug. Our sessions have been challenging. I try and adopt a psychologically opened channel; making sure my superego based, libidinal approach is similar to penis envy. My last session with him was tad disturbing. Freud asked me if I could be any type of shoe, what type of shoe would I be? When I told him a running shoe, he burst out laughing and said that this categorically proved I’m anal retentive with extreme paranoid tendencies and an anxiety disorder. Okay, he’s right, but it was a lucky guess.
P.S. The reason all the lights are on is because the flash on my crappy camera is broken.
If there’s a hand in your toilet getting pulled in is the least of your worries
I used to think so… When I was a preppy know it all who sat on a toilet seat with impudence… We were demigods back then…
OMGOMGOMG! I have that same fear!! The one about the toilets!
So I always go outside in the dark, dark woods to pee. Except out there I’m afraid of shellfish, so it’s kind of a no win situation.
Can I have your therapist’s number? Is he cute?
He’s flouncing adorable!
125 comments and I thought this was a lively thread then I realized it was 3 people that should have just got a party line. ha ha
BKT…notice how Alan cleans his floor before taking a picture.
Bearman…
We are The Three Blogeteers (Les Trois Blogusquetaires) and we challenge you to a dual! Hahahahha!
Signed
Bathos, Penthouse and Amiss
Are you sure you didn’t mean Pathos here? (Hint: that one is me)
Well played, Pathos! Let me slap you on your manly shoulder! Hahaha! Remember my friend: Once in the Bastille, there is no afterwards. Hahaha! Now let us go and fight many a duel! And from this day forward I shall spell the word “duel” properly! Hahaha!
I thought you were making some kind of play on words here – three musketeers, dual…I don’t know.
And I do have manly shoulders, I think, but the rest of me is all woman.
Well played, Pathos! Hahahaha! Let me slap you on your dainty bottom and apologize for doing that as well as my manly shoulder comment! Hahaha! Remember my friend: the future looks rosiest through the bottom of a glass. Hahaha! Now let us go and fight many a dual! And from this day forward I shall spell the word “dual” improperly! Hahaha!
I have changed my Blogeteers name to: Warren
Warren the Blogeteer…
I like it. It’s sensible. Instead of a sword you could have a pen guard. Your pen would be mightier than your sword. Which, considering you are a Blogeteer, make perfectly good sense. Warren the Warrior with a pen guard! Hahahaha! Welcome aboard, Warren!
Is it too much to say, “Fuck you, Bearman?”
Let me know, thanks.
Ooh, I like that. Short and pithy!
BKT…I was trying to think of something witty to say back but I am laughing too hard. It is never too much to say that to me.
BKT owned you Bear…ouch.