For some time now I have been trying to find a way to monetize this blog and finally reap the benefits of having such a vast and loyal readership. Consider this post a sneak preview of my own line of personal lubricants.
Announcing: Fundamental Jelly Flavored Personal Lubricants
After months of highly secret and intensive research and development and in close cooperation with the experts at Coffmann Industrial Flavorings, I have reached the final stages of product testing. We hope to complete the trials in the next two months and start delivering product by mid-summer.
Finding the right balance of water, glycerin, flavorings, odor agents, and proprietary ingredients has been daunting to say the least. Our first trial using voluntary live test subjects was both instructive and at times disappointing. In general, our testers rated the “feel” of our product as very good to excellent, but we scored lower on some of the flavors. The flavor that was rated highest was Trail Mix, but unfortunately they found the raisins somewhat disgusting. In fact, one test subject reported finding a raisin in her bellybutton four days after use and was quite upset about it. We have since decided to remove the raisins to avoid any possible legal entanglements. We considered using banana chips briefly, but soon noticed that if left to dry on the skin they’re virtually impossible to remove. Still, our research continues unabated.
What I would like from my readers is a little feedback and some suggestions for possible flavors. Cherry, vanilla, and musk are only so interesting, so your input is greatly appreciated. I am going to San Francisco for a long weekend with my wife to celebrate my birthday, but I wanted to leave you something to do while I was gone. And to save you a bit of trouble, the sauerkraut and wieners flavor has already been flatly rejected. Thanks in advance for your help.
Yours in slippery sincerity,
Robert
Dude, that’s hilarious. I propose hummus.
Hey Tush, I know you hate puns, but that’s falafel.
how about “Pork Champagne”?
Porcine love rears its ugly head again.
I was going to go for “pork rind” but I think I would prefer “dead fish”. (That would also make the young lady feel better about herself).
I vote mango. It’s delicious and it feels like…you know.
What do you mean?? Like what?
Well, ask Tannerleah. He might remember. The comment thread that included mangoes, I mean.
Oh, I remember. I now have a house loaded with them.
How sad. I mean, funny. How funny. Kindly inform our dear friend, so I don’t have to repeat my belief in the mango as a textural healing implement.
“Textual healing implement” You mean like, say vagina?
Um, yeah. But I said TextuRal – like texture, not like texting. Or sexting, as the case may be.
And also, good god! What are you doing up so late??
I’d be game for some “pine”, oh yeah!
Trail mix definitely has to go. Raisens are too easily confused with dingleberries.
Perhaps something summery and refreshing like “Virgin Springs: Makes It Feel Like the First Time. Quick and Disappointing.”
Its on the short list.
Oreos and milk would no doubt be a ladies’ favorite for sure, as guys never seem to wanna stop once they get goin’. You’d hafta figure out a solution for the Oreos in the teeth thing though.
Its all R & D, all the time. Cheers
BTW — Happy B’day.
Thanks BG
Have a great weekend.
A few suggestions:
Ox Tail
Lion’s Breath
Sour Cream Baba Ganoush
Mint Jellyfish
Spaniel Gnocchi
Sugary Anime
Creme Brulee Shit Fish
Barbecued Cockroach
Spaniel Pilaf
Duck ala Orange and Green
Paper Mint
Communist Red Chicken
Golf Green
Spaniel Coq au Vin
Garlic Dolphin
Zesty Calamari
Salt and Vinegar Bucket Water
These are great, I am passing your name and email to the fine folks at Coffmann Industrial Flavorings. You can never have too many irons in the fire these days. Thanks, cheers.
They can pay me in trail mix.
P.S. Happy Birthday!
Birthday? What an opportune moment to stop in.
Many happy returns! (which, while not a flavour, is a passable slogan)
I’m not sure what your target audience is but my former customers would have appreciated “Velveeta.” It even sounds sleazy.
Spaniel gnocchi does it for me!
which birthday is this? Does it end in a zero?
The not-so-secret ingredient is Spaniel.
All Spaniel, all the time.
Melon n’ Mayonnaise – nice oriental flavor with a touch of exotica, and slippery too!
Curried Cucumber – for that warm and spicy feeling deep down!
Many Happy Returns
Yes, Rofl, we do need more Asian flavors…thanks for sharing. Cheers.