I went out for a drink after work today with a co-worker, he’s the nearest thing to a friend that I have at my workplace. I typically just want to go home after work, but decided to go anyway. We ordered a couple of beers and shot the shit for a while. “So, how’s the blogging going?”
I thought about for a moment and said, “Funny you should ask, because I have been getting really sick of it lately.” I wiped imaginary crumbs off the table. “I guess I am feeling tapped out and nothing funny seems to be coming to me.”
” I find that hard to believe Robert, honestly your one of the funniest guys I know.”
“I don’t know about that.”
Just then, our waitress, Rose, set our beers on the table. She was a big girl, a chunky woman in her thirties, with an easy smile and 80′s style bangs covering her forehead. We’re talking really big bangs here. After she left, I said, “Did you see the size of her bangs?”
He looked at her as she went behind the bar, “Yea, I’d say she was kicking it old school.”
“Old school hell, she looks like she has a piece of fried chicken taped to her forehead.”
My friend laughed out loud, “Dude, that’s what I’m talking about, that’s hilarious.”
“Maybe.”
I sensed he was trying to cheer me up. “Honestly, Alice still believes you worked for, what was it, that government agency that had something to do with furniture, what was that called?”
I did remember that crack, “Oh, right, the Bureau of Getting Furniture.”
“Exactly, that was great, she still thinks that’s real.”
I shook my head and smiled. We had a second beer and he continued to encourage me and finally said, “Dude, you could write about this on your blog.”
I thought about it on the way home and decided he was right. So I did.
“The Bureau of Getting Furniture” sounds convincing to me too
Oh man, I’ve been through blog burnout on a number of occasions. There isn’t much you can do about it except try to work you way through it.
It seems like you found a good way to break through the impass by having a casual convesation with a friend. Sometimes that’s all it takes to get you jumpstarted.
Thanks G and I think you’re right.
Did a little research and, A bang/fringe is a shaped cutting of the front part of the hair so that it is combed forward and hangs or curls over the forehead. So Trudy is really a member of a “fringe group” and I hear these people are troublesome.
Fringe groups tend to know how to go out with a bang. Just a thought.
That’s rich, thanks for the info lahru. Cheers.
I’d work for the Bureau of socks and t-shirts.
Also, if I have to find a job waiting tables, I’m not serving you.
Riot, Josh. Good to hear from you.
Blog burnout sucks like a turbocharged Dyson. Gettin’ a blog out of a beer with a buddy is proof there is a God and He loves you.
Thanks BG.
I can’t believe I beat you-know-who to your comment thread.
I think I lost my mojo with all the pulp fiction. I believe the term is “blew my wad.”
Ahem. But you are still funny, and if you quit, I will start to think that I’m driving good bloggers away with my dysfunction. First Ram, now you. I promise – no more pictures of my feet. Please stay.
I am not quitting BK, anyway you’re one of the bright spots in my typical blogging day.
Just for that – tomorrow, a post on boobs! Well, sort of. Almost.
And by ‘that’, I mean making me feel all smiley and proud, which is no easy feat.
Will there be rhyming couplets?
When you get to be my age, they don’t rhyme anymore. But I suppose you could call them couplets.
You slay me!
That’s funny, and I know what funny is.
It’s true, he does. Some of his best work include the Frost/Nixon interviews and Seasons 1-4 of Full House.
These “imaginary crumbs” that you wiped away…how often have you been seeing them? Do you see other imaginary things like, oh I don’t know, whale sperm splattered on your ceiling fan? I only ask because I thought I was alone in my imaginary sightings. (I type as I wipe the imaginary sweat from my imaginary brow).
Funny TL, really. You still got game.
People you work with KNOW you blog? That’s ballsy.
Just a couple people know Bear…but good point.
Dear Mr. Jellyroll,
Millicent Bodsworth, here…
Let me begin by saying that while it has always been my rightly considered opinion that therapy is what you rude young people call “a wank” I will confess to being a tad relieved knowing that you are getting some sort of help. I even, Lord help me, know of a good therapist. http://www.thecattherapist.com/ Dr. Wilbourn is a good woman. I think she might even be able to help the likes of you.
Now on to more important things, Mr. Jellyroll…
Namely, your rampant alcoholism and potty mouth.
Let’s start with your wretched drinking first, shall we? You say that normally you just like to go home after work. I’m assuming that you like to home to get loaded in the debauched privacy of your crapulous filth, oh, and at a more affordable rate.
But this night you end up in bar. A bar where, funny enough, you just happen to know the harlot of a waitress’s name…
Next: You get so inebriated that you see imaginary crumbs. Disgraceful. Then you confuse bangs with chicken. Sad, sad, sad.
This is obviously the DT’s. My husband, Clarence, (may he rot in Hell) was a drinker. He’d get loaded at the local watering hole then come home stumbling like a drunken fruit bat and demanding that I “get oral for once in my life.” And while I still to this day have no idea what he was talking about, I’m sure it was disgusting. He’s dead now. Cirrhosis of the liver. That, and a frying pan to the head. But that wasn’t me. At least they never proved it in court.
My point is get your sorry self of to AA or 12 Step or whatever it is you young gallbladder-less biologists call it these days. Just sober up. And do it now!!!!
Next. Your potty mouth. Was that a “shit” that I read? It was. It was a filthy “shit.” Why? Why do you say, and I quote “we shot the shit”? Did you actually shoot shit? Was there a shit sitting somewhere and you just happened to have a gun and shoot said piece of shit? And what’s a drunk like you doing with a gun in the first place?
There’s no need for the word “shit.” To say “shit” is just offensive. Why couldn’t you have just said “I was shooting off my mouth”? It wouldn’t be the first time a hapless fall-down drunk has done it. So why not you? Never say the word “shit” again!!!
I know you think I’m a doddering old fuss budget and I don’t expect a reply to this eloquent missive of mine. You never do. And that is fine by me, Mr. Jellyroll. (By the way I read what that wise-apple Mr. Truitt said about me being not right in the head but he’s a seedy little fart and I don’t want you hanging about with him anymore. Did you hear me????)
I am sorry about your writer’s block. Perhaps if you wrote lists like I do you might find some inspiration.
I wrote one last night. It really inspired me.
Things to write angry comments about:
-People who say the word “shit”
-Alcoholic reprobates
-Drunks who wipe away imaginary crumbs
-Wankers
-Cat Therapists
It’s a damn fine list and as you can see, I was able to incorporate ever subject into this missive.
Yours (with a certain amount of justifiable pride)
Millicent Bodsworth
Again, there’s an odd ring of familiarity with this writer. Is this the model for Harmony? Or is this one of Bob Trusty’s friends? Or am I a lunatic? Nevermind, don’t answer that.
Ms. Bodsworth,
I only know you by reputation, but I’m very glad you decided to comment on Mr. FunnyJello’s blog. Having had a chance to work with FunnyJello for a couple of weeks, I can assure you that everything you said about him is completely accurate. Honestly, its even worse than you know.
Mr. FunnyJello is a total charlatan. Even Bill Cosby hates him; he told me as much last week while we were both at a fundraiser in Philadelphia. We were raising money to help Afghan women get some decent beekeeper outfits. No more of these threadbare and dirty outfits, its a disgrace.
Anyway, I might as well tell the whole story since I won’t be working with this sorry poser anymore. First of all this joker is no biologist, he really works in the shipping department at CarnCo Carnival Supplies. His wife left him some years ago and he lives in his parent’s basement. I could go on, but what’s the point. I will add that he is one ugly son-of-a-bitch, he looks worse than Mickey Rourke coming off a two week ether bender.
Good riddance I say and thanks again Ms. Bodsworth for having the brass to call a spade a spade.
Yours in intolerance,
Harmony
P.S. If anyone would like to donate money for these poor Afghan women, you can make a contribution at:
http://BeekeeperOutfitsForTheProphet.com
You know I totally clicked on that beekeeper outfit link. I think it’s time to put the wine away and go to bed.
Night
You may look like “Mickey Rourke coming off a two week ether bender,” but rest assured, you are slightly more coherent.
Thanks CLT, I too believe that I am slightly more coherent.
Bless you, Harmony…
You’re a credit to hand puppets everywhere.
Truth be told, I’ve always admired hand puppets that have the courage of their convictions… I said as much to my fourth wastrel of a husband, Mort. He’s dead now: A combination of rat poison and asphyxiation. But it wasn’t me! At least, they never proved it in court…
Anyhoo, my point is – I like the cut of your jib so much that I’m going to knit you a glove.
Kindest Regards,
Millicent Bodsworth
Thank you Millicent for the kind words, it means a lot to me. I can only say in my best Bogart voice, “I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.”
Harmony
Lovely. A UK Dr. Phil.
P.S. You are all, in all your multiplicity, seriously, irrevocably mad.
“Beekeeper Outfits For The Prophet”
Hilarity!
That actually has a 1980′s new wave LP title feel to it.
Harmony writes a damn fine letter. Something tells me that Millicent would approve.
I hadn’t thought of the 80′s angle, but it makes perfect sense. I still have the debut cassette tape of “Frankie Goes to Kandahar”
The capper!
Their debut LP “Welcome to the Taliban” was, of course, a groundbreaking work of art. Brave and courageous homosexuals, those lads. Last I heard they had gone off to tour in Afghanistan… Wonder how that went?
I’m guessing poorly.
Apicultural clothing is on sale this week on Amazon and free shipping is touted along with the low pricing. Just thought I would pass it along.
Thanks lahru for caring.
I actually think your posts are funny all the time. I hope you don’t stop blogging. Seriously. I mean, how will I find out what Paula’s up to? That would be a huge bummer.
Thanks for the kind words Kali. I’m sure I’ll get through the rough patch and I have no plans to quit.
After she left, I said, “Did you see the size of her bangs?”
Were you really talking about her bangs? That just doen’t sound like something two grown men talk about at a bar while having a few drinks!?!
Glad to see you’re back from the survey! Oh, and a word of advice on the rough patch: ditch the foam..the gel may work better.
I’ll write that down, thanks SM.
Every time I check for new material here I’m forced to see that picture again. It’s disgusting, and I’ll never listen to John Mayer’s “Your Body is a Wonderland” again without cringing. Bubblegum tongue, indeed.
Well, I don’t know what the hell happened, but that comment belongs with the flavorings post. Kindly move it? Or you can leave it and make me look like an idiot. Your call.
I’ll leave it and make you look like an idiot, my call.