The Potty Whisperer

19 03 2009

A couple of months ago, the company that occupies the suite next to my office added 5 or 6 additional people.  Over the last few weeks, one of these new employees has developed a strange habit that I find completely bizarre. 

This person, a slender woman in her middle to late twenties, spends all her break-time and portions of her lunch break talking on her cell phone.  This by itself is normal enough, but she has decided to park herself right next the the men’s bathroom door.  I don’t mean in the vicinity of the bathroom, I mean immediately adjacent to the entrance.  She leans against the wall as she is talking and, I’m not kidding, her right shoulder is actually touching the edge of the door-jam.

The first couple of times I thought little of it and only noticed that she smelled of grapes.  I am not sure if this is her fragrant shampoo or maybe she’s a real antioxidant nut; honestly, she may be fermenting for all I know.  The other weird thing is that I never hear her voice, maybe she clams up when I get close, but I’m thinking if you really want a private conversation why in hell are you standing there. 

Anyway, its really starting to bug me now.  I feel like she may start asking me if I have a hall pass or ask me if I washed after going to the bathroom.  I am convinced if I had been doing the same thing near the women’s bathroom, somebody would have called the police by now. 

So, this morning I go to the bathroom and she’s not there.  This is good news and I do my thing and when I walked out…wait for it…SHE WAS THERE, RIGHT NEXT TO THE DOOR.  I totally wanted to yell at her, “Could you get your whispering, grapey ass away from the f**king bathroom door.”  But I was a complete wimp and didn’t say anything.


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Happy St. Patrick’s Day

17 03 2009

vomiting


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Dude, Where’s My Gallbladder?

17 03 2009

Since I can’t seem to avoid the fact that people are still (on a daily basis) googling ‘gallbladder’ and clicking on my blog, I have decided to just embrace the whole phemonenon and become the web’s leading site dedicated to gallbladder misinformation (see previous posts here, here, and here).  This all came about innocently enough, but I am going with the hand organ that was dealt me. 

gallbladderIn retrospect, I guess I might have been better off picking something from the reproductive system.  The comedic value would have surely been higher, but that’s not how things turned out.  To be sure, the digestive system does have its vomit and poop, so it is not without its ardent followers. 

So, look out WebMD, there’s a new kid on the cyber block, and we’re dealing in bile.   I just hope that at some point I can be to the gallbladder industry what Patrick Swayze is to the pancreas industry.  And finally, if you really have gallbladder problems and you clicked on a post entitled “Dude, where’s my gallbladder,” you deserve to be doubled over in pain.


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Pie Chart

15 03 2009

pie

If only those pinheads on Wall Street and our hapless civil servants at the Treasury Department had referred to this chart last summer we could have avoided this recession.


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Haggling Over Narcolepsy (Updated 3.14.09)

13 03 2009

Really, I don’t want to turn this post into a rant about medical insurance companies, but I am getting screwed over by my insurance provider.  Some back-story here.  A few years ago, I was diagnosed with a mild form of narcolepsy that has altered my life.  In case you don’t know what narcolepsy is, it’s a condition where you can fall into a deep sleep basically at anytime or anyplace.  It is a debilitating disease and I feel bad for anyone so afflicted. 

In a nutshell, my insurance company has declared that I am completely cured of this condition despite the objections of several distinguished Jamaican doctors.  This is a complete fabrication and I still do have occasional episodes. 

But fortune has finally smiled upon me.  Just this morning as I was taking the garbage can out to the curb, I suffered an attack, but as luck would have it, my wife happened to be taking pictures of the dogs when she witnessed and photographed the episode.  See the picture below.

sleep1

Finally I have the proof that I believe will settle this matter once and for all.  I mean, look at it, what more is necessary.  Thanks for your support.

*****Update*****

I don’t want to get carried away with this, but I just want to inform you on the latest.  As my wife and I were out doing our Saturday errands, I had another ‘episode’ while we were shopping at Lowes Home Improvement center.  Fortunately, my wife was able to capture this most recent event as I have her carry the camera around at all times now.  See the photo below, that’s me stuck down in the Rugs and Window Treatments aisle.  I believe I am now putting together a solid case for myself.  Thanks for your indulgence. 

lowes


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The Naming Of Things #1

11 03 2009

Interactive Thursday has now been changed to Interactive Wednesday.  Today’s contest is simple and  involves naming the color swatch below.  As goofy as it sounds, I always wanted to be the person who provides the names for paint store color swatches.  Since that is unlikely to happen, this exercise will have to do.  So, to get this going, my wife has graciously tendered her own (unofficial) entry, which is…’Colonic Breeze.’  I think she has set the bar pretty high.  Think comedic value here, but restrict yourself to the PG-13 threshold.  Before I forget, I should mention that Josh is the winner of last weeks Rorschach contest.  Good luck.

swatch-1


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